I have been searching for a while. A healing salve for the aching heart. The silencer for the ever busy mind. When did it all begin? Will the bells stop whistling inside? Have I made a true pact with reality or am I still carrying on the burdens of the past? And what good is a compromise?
Going through sorrow is a part of life. It makes us stronger, mature and more aligned with ourselves. When a painful event races through existence there first comes shock and sharp agony. Then the phase of fantasy of the times before. Or perhaps regret. The wheel of time continues to turn and we slowly realize that the world still revolves no matter how we feel. The cloudy visions start to become clearer and the future looks a little more promising. But is the lens tinted or is it clear? Can it ever be fully clear again?
When you are involved in a car accident as the driver, do you feel fear sitting in front of the steering wheel? Do we drive with extreme caution, slow down excessively and avoid peak hour traffic? Are we condescending to other adept drivers?
Or perhaps a messy heartbreak has torn you apart. Do we give as much as we did before? Do we trully love without obstruction? Are we genuinely rid of the past person who we no longer call upon? Can we really cherish another’s happiness?
I’ve lived what I recall as a painful childhood. An emotional scarring which over time has evolved itself. To a point I don’t stop to think how I became me. Like in a new relationship; you don’t think about what happened in a previous knot. At least not consciously.
And yet silently I have come to accept the seething wounds are there screaming out from its prison. Like a medieval witch tied to a post fighting its way out of a burning demise as the fire cackles in hysteria. Thrown in a deep well which still holds the echoes of a life long gone. Haunting, beckoning. Through the decrepit walls of silence.
Would there be salvation? A memory wipe to restart the fallback? The drink of forgetfulness? Through revelations of thoughts I have come to understand we have these experiences for a reason. The divine tides are manipulated by the invisible threads. The element of a lesson often bites us so hard we fail to see its meaning.
I feel one step closer to finding out why I am here. On this earth. Taking in the air. There is a constructive reason for every negative event. But you must pay attention to it and not push it away. Less the demon consume you slowly but painfully into a silent depression on your deathbed. These voices must be heard and transformed. Into a purpose. Understanding. And warm loving strength. A hard struggle for sure. I believe it will be worth it in the end.